Five Reasons Why I Love Smokers

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James Sorenson

Intern @ GoneWithTheWord

I am not a smoker. Never have been. I tried a cigar once in university during a fancy dinner out at a posh cigar bar and almost hacked up a lung. The cloud in the air, the taste in my mouth, the way the smoke clung to my hair and clothes for the rest of the night…well, that did more to turn me off smoking than any nasty picture on a cigarette box.

But other than the obvious reasons of health and environment destroyer, smokers are great. I love them.

If you’re a smoker, here are the top five reasons why I love you:

  1. I know right away you are weak. Strong people look at problems and try to find solutions. People who can’t handle the stress of individual moments turn to an external source or substance for reassurance or relief. Those who smoke to calm their nerves are people who basically can’t hack it at life.
  2. I know right away you are insecure. Many men started smoking socially, which means they caved to social pressures and weren’t strong enough to be their own man. Many women started smoking to curb their appetites and lose or maintain weight which means you’re insecure about your appearance, not self-disciplined enough to watch your caloric intake, or you’re just lazy and don’t want to exercise.
  3. You are stupid. It was one thing to take up smoking in the 1950s when little was known about the long-term health repercussions. But today? Today we know about the effects of smoking on lungs, skin, gums, overall health and life longevity. So if you choose to smoke now with all that information out there and even printed on the cigarette boxes? You must be stupid.
  4. You are senseless. Literally. Smoking reduces your sense of taste because the taste buds are slowly deadened. They also reduce the sense of smell—probably as a self-defense mechanism because your body got tired of what the rest of us know: you stink. Smokers think they don’t smell, but us non-smokers can always tell because the rancid smell of burnt chemical clings to your hair, skin and clothes.
  5. You likely only have stupid friends. Non-smokers won’t readily visit a smoker because we will choke on the smell of you, your house and your stuff. We won’t get in your car for the same reason.

With the whole world moving at an increasingly rapid pace, time is precious. Smokers make it easy for me to pick out the ignorant, stupid and selfish people and thus save myself the time and trouble of having to vet you from my social circle later. For that, I thank you. Keep on smoking! (Just do it away from me.)

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